Nanna alway used it say, “If that’s tea, we’ve had it” at the end of every meal without fail. (Oddly, this phrase has now been adopted into my stepfather’s lexicon, so perhaps it is a rite of passage that comes with your pension cheque. Kidding Graysie.)
Today, I caught myself saying, “If that’s a weekend, we’ve had it”, however, unlike my Nanna who said this as a statement of contentment and a fully belly, my quip fell out as another weekend passed without achieving the height of greatness I had hoped. I procrastinate so about my pursuits of creativity that I fear I will never make an income enough to cease the salt mine. Will I still be in this position in 12 months time? Where is that girl who aspired for greatness, and others believed she would succeed? She continues on a path that leaves her unfulfilled. Could she find solace in that her small contribution to the bigger picture makes a difference? What pays the bills may seem joyless, but it possibly has impacts on someone in a way that can’t be measured as a Key Performance Indicator. Has she influenced someone, and in such a way, that it IS the reason behind their success, without actually making into the credits, or without passing comment in their eventual biography? I can’t remember the exact wording, but there’s a quote about knowing that your job has been done well, because no one realises you have done it. I feel that’s the thing to take away from my job on the days that feel joyless – perhaps I am the cog in someone else’s success.
I’m scared of failure so I procrastinate to the point where I don’t start. Where’s the logic in that? I know that something HAS to change. But what if I fail yet again.
I want to be the best.
The best at least started, Alexis. You can’t even take the first step.
What IS the first step….?
I want to write. I want to sew. I want the outlets of my creative pursuits to be valued – miniscule musings etched in random notebooks will be read by someone (perhaps one not even in existence), pondered, studied, contemplated and sentiment shared. Given my track record. I am dubious.
Having just read yet another blog on life direction and affirmation, I compiled a list of 30 things do achieve in my thirties… (mentioned last post – scroll below if you have interest in it)
This was a pretty useful exercise, even if I have yet to determine the detail or action required to complete the list. Like most things thus far in my life, I’m sure that the list is ‘living’ and subject to change. Not dramatically, but, like life, as things change – things change. I want to believe that by compiling this list, it is giving myself a bit of a plan. Everything on there is achievable. Perhaps by posting it, I feel I am making myself more accountable?
I think the real lesson for myself in the completion of the list will be that success is not a one size fits all model. Sure, my expectations of the completion of the list is that I am famous or something ridiculous. Which is always a possibility if the right market is reached (and if I sell my soul to the dark side, hop on one foot and pray to superman…. maybe). But maybe, more likely, my success will be finding happiness and contentment in the world. And really, isn’t that what we’re all aspiring towards? Even if your aspiration is that of a super villain – you would feel happiness and contentment in varying degrees of evilness – from world domination to owning ‘a shark with frickin lasers on its head’.
So. Without further babble.
30 things to do in my thirties
1. De-clutter my possessions
2. Set up my own home
3. Save money / invest
4. Establish healthy lifestyle changes
5. Visit other countries
6. Learn at least 2 other languages besides English
7. Volunteer / Give time to the community
8. Learn an instrument – I’m leaning towards keyboard or drums – because it would be kind of like DJing (maybe) and I know how to do that…
9. Learn to dance – swing, salsa or something…
10. Write a blog
11. Write for online magazines / publications (unpaid)
12. Write a book
13. Get a tattoo
14. Jump from something – I’m leaning towards bungee jumping over skydiving
15. Go to a big, international music festival (or 3 – whatever) and completely rock out
16. Learn more about wine / viticulture – I think the wine knowledge is a requirement for eventual book publication
17. Join Toastmasters
18. Play team sport – girl’s rugby league or grid iron is on the cards
19. Research Polish family history
20. Learn more about Jazz / Rock / Classic music that has been the inspiration for other artists – and write about it
21. Host amazing dinner parties – and make them my ‘thing’
22. Learn more poems by heart
23. Read the works of the Beatniks
24. Go on dates – interesting ones
25. Road trip around Australia
26. New career
27. MAKE things – sew, paint, draw, build
28. Write daily
29. Love unconditionally
30. Project to the world my awesomeness
(ok, I might have dialled that last one in – but – let me work on it – remember, ‘living’ list)
(also. NOT my tattoo. But. Thinking it would be an amazing / appropriate one!)